


Shattered

by Marrilyn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Crying, Crying Rowena, Drama, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, F/F, Feels, Honestly Who Wouldn't?, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Non-Consensual Kissing, Other, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Assault, Rape Aftermath, Reader Wants To Punch Crowley In The Face, Rowena Whump, Sobbing, Tears, Trauma, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 20:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11169342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marrilyn/pseuds/Marrilyn
Summary: Reader comforts Rowena after Lucifer assaults her.





	Shattered

When Crowley told you what he’d done, you wanted to punch him in the face. You almost did; had it not been for Castiel and his awkward attempts to calm the situation, you would have seriously considered assassinating the King of Hell – or at least attempting to. You still wanted to beat the shit out of his smug ass, but you had enough self-control to keep those urges at bay.

For now.

Considering he’d basically forced Rowena to help him put Lucifer back in the cage and had taken the first chance to scram when that plan failed, leaving her all alone with the twisted archangel, he should’ve been grateful you’d stayed at mere threats. Heavens know he deserved a lot worse.

Your steps were light and cautious as you entered the lonely cabin, eyes scanning the place in search of possible danger. You’d summoned your magic just in case, its heat burning at your fingertips. One word from you, and your power was ready to be unleashed, destroying everything in its path. With the devil possibly being on the loose around here, you weren’t going to take any chances.

“He’s gone,” a voice said, startling you.

You were about to mutter an incantation when you saw who it belonged to. Letting out a sigh of relief, you pushed your magic back, breathing in as its weight melted from your hands, freeing them from its hold. Castiel lowered his blade while Crowley gave the place a swift look-over just in case.

Rowena was seated on the ground, back pressed against the wall and hugging her knees to her chest. Her usually perfect hair was a mess, unruly hairs sticking in all directions like pieces of hay in a haystack.

Your emotions stirred up at the sight of her, swirling around and through you like a twister. You clenched your fists, anger that had risen up within you melting into concern that had been squeezing your heart since the moment Crowley told you what he had done.

You couldn’t even imagine what that monster had done to your girl while you cozied up in your new hotel room, waiting for Rowena’s update on her newest date. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t jealous, but the plan had been yours just as much as it had been hers. It was simple. She would seduce a rich guy. You, as her concerned daughter, would do your best to welcome him into your little family. The two of you would wait until you’d gained his trust enough for him to open his account to you, and then you’d take his money and leave.

Getting roped into the mess with Lucifer – _again_ – and being kidnapped by him hadn’t been part of the plan.

Calling her name, you ran to her and, falling to your knees beside her, threw your arms around her in a bone-crushing hug. Your heart beat with excitement, relief flooding your veins. He hadn’t killed her. She was still here, safe and alive, waiting for you to take her home and make her forget this horrible day.

“I was so scared,” you said, tightening your grip on her. You never wanted to let her go again. Losing her to Lucifer once had been one time too many. Those few moments when you thought she was truly gone had broken you.

You’d almost gone insane when Crowley showed up at your door and told you what had happened, what he had done. It had been the worst feeling in the world. You wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy.

Rowena’s pained hisses made you back away. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Did I hurt you?” you asked, looking her over.

It was then that you noticed the deep purple bruises encircling her wrists. Her shirt had been ripped, almost all buttons missing, the torn fabric exposing her cleavage. Chills of dread cascaded down your spine as you took in her appearance, the reality of the situation dawning on you like a well aimed punch to the face.

The messed up hair. Torn clothes. Unusually quiet demeanor. The light, barely noticeable trembling.

 _No._ You gulped, your heartbeat fastening, thudding loud and hard against your chest. _No. It can’t be!_

Lucifer was a fucked up son of a bitch, but would he really stoop so low?

You almost chuckled at your stupidity. Of course he would. He was fucking Satan! There was nothing he _wouldn’t_ do.

“Rowena?” you said softly, swallowing a lump that had formed in your throat. “Rowena, please, look at me.”

She slowly turned her head to the side to face you. Your heart broke as her red, teary eyes met yours. “Y/N,” she whispered through trembling lips.

“What happened?” you asked. All the signs were there, but you needed to be sure. Perhaps you were wrong: perhaps nothing had happened and all this was just a result of the fight. Rowena was tough. If there was one thing you knew about her, it was that she would never go down without a fight.

“He…”

Fear you had never seen before flashed in her eyes. It was an unnatural sight, like something straight out of a movie. Rowena was never scared – not like that. Instinctively, you grabbed her hand, entwining your fingers with hers and giving them a light, comforting squeeze. You needed her to know that you were there, that you would never leave her. No matter what transpired in this godawful place, you would always have her back.

“He forced me.”

Before you had time to react, she buried her head in your chest, breaking into loud, painful sobs. You gently pulled her to you, careful not to disturb the bruises underneath her clothes. Rage burned inside of you, flowing through your veins like wildfire. How dare he do that to her? How dare he hurt her in one of the worst ways possible, use her and abuse her as if she was nothing but his plaything?

He was going to pay for that – you swore that on your life. You would find him and make him regret the day he first laid his eyes on Rowena.

Fool you once, shame on you. Harm your girl, and you’re fucking dead!

“Sweetheart, I am so sorry,” you said. It was probably the last thing she wanted to hear at a time like this, but you didn’t know what else to say. What do you say to someone who’d just admitted to having been raped mere hours ago? There had been no words that seemed appropriate. “I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

“Don’t leave me,” she whimpered.

“Never,” you promised. “I will always be here.”

“I don’t understand,” Castiel said, tilting his head to the side in confusion. “What did he force you to do?”

“Not now, Castiel!” you snapped. For an angel, he was incredibly dumb.

He frowned. “Did he force you to cast a spell for him?”

“Oh, my god!” you exclaimed, shooting him a glare that threatened murder. “What is wrong with you?”

“If she has cast a spell for him, it could make it harder for us to send him back to his cage.” He turned to Rowena, ignoring your threatening looks. “What kind of spell was it?”

For a moment it looked as if Rowena would burst into tears again.

Then she narrowed her eyes at the confused angel and said in a low, clear tone: “He forced me to lie with him.” ****

At first Castiel just stared. Then, having finally understood what she’d meant, he turned his head to the side, embarrassed of his own ignorance.

“Mother?” Crowley, who had been strangely quiet through all of this, said, taking a step towards her.

“Stay away from her!” you snapped.

Instinctively, your arms tightened their hold on Rowena; not enough to hurt her, but just enough to make it clear that you weren’t going to let anymore harm come her way. You were ready to protect her with your life, if necessary. She’d been hurt more than enough in her long life. It was about time someone started putting her first.

“This is all your fault! You made her get involved with all this and when your plan went to hell, you just left her! You’re just as guilty as Lucifer!”

Rowena tensed at the devil’s name and you laid a kiss to her forehead in an effort to calm her.

“If I’d known–”

“Save it, Fergus!” Rowena suddenly snapped, cutting him off. “I told ye I wanted nothin’ to do with this! Why couldn’t ye just let me be? For once in my life, I was happy. Why did ye have to take it away from me?”

“It’s not as if I’d planned for this to happen!” Crowley argued.

“Ye left me alone with the devil!” Rowena exclaimed, angry tears sliding down her face. “What did ye think was goin’ to happen?”

“Not this!” Crowley said.

“Well, it happened!” Rowena spat. “All because of ye. I’m not denyin’ I’ve been a horrible mother to ye, Fergus, but if this is the way ye’re payin’ me back, are ye really surprised I couldn’t love ye?”

You hadn’t thought it possible, but the look on Crowley’s face, as she said those words, was one of remorse. Remorse for dragging her into this against her will. Remorse for carelessly leaving her at the devil’s mercy. Demons were good at faking emotion, but the guilt you’d seen on Crowley’s face had been genuine. He truly regretted what he had done.

Only, now was too late to apologize. What’s done is done. There was no erasing the unspeakable things Lucifer had done to Rowena. There was no going back in time and preventing it all from happening. Crowley could be sorry all he wanted, but the fact will always remain that he’d left his mother to be raped by the devil.

“I will never forgive ye for this,” Rowena told him, startling him from his troubled thoughts. “Get yer arse back to hell! I don’t ever want to see ye again.”

“And if you bother her again, I will personally put an angel blade through your heart,” you said. “That is, if you have one.” It wasn’t a threat – it was a promise. There weren’t many things that you wouldn’t do for Rowena. You’d killed for her a few times before, and you would more than eagerly kill for her again. Be it a human, a monster, or the fucking King of Hell – it didn’t matter. Whoever and whatever presented a threat to Rowena was warmly welcomed to your kill list.

Without another word, Crowley teleported away. As soon as he was gone, Rowena let out a deep breath she’d been holding, as if the weight that had been pressing on her had been lifted.

“Take me home, Y/N,” she said.

“We can’t go home,” you told her, prompting her to shoot you a pleading look. Your heart broke at the hurt spread all over her face. You wanted to hold her forever, wanted to keep her safe from danger lurking around. As long as she was with you, you’d sworn on your life to never let anyone lay their hands on her again. Not on your watch. You would protect her, you’d promised. You would make sure she was safe even if it killed you. “Lucifer’s still out there. We need to get you somewhere safe – somewhere he can’t find you.”

Rowena wanted to argue, but you could tell, by the defeated look on her face, that she knew you were right. As long as Lucifer was out there, she was at risk. What he’d done to her today would be nothing in comparison to what he would do if he got his hands on her again.

“What do ye have in mind?” she asked.

“I…” To be honest, you hadn’t thought that one all the way through. You knew you needed a safe house, but the exact location of that place was something you hadn’t considered. “I’ll think of something.”

“There’s nothin’, is there?”

You cupped her cheek, lightly tilting her head to look her in the eyes. “Rowena, I promise you, I’ll find a place for us to hide until this is all over. He won’t hurt you again. There are people who owe me favors. I’m sure at least one of them knows of a good hiding place. I won’t let you down.”

“Ye don’t have to go beggin’ on my behalf, Y/N. This is my mess,” she said. “I’m the one who helped let him out of his cage.”

A single tear slid down her cheek and you were quick to wipe it away. “What he did to you wasn’t your fault.”

“Then why does it feel like it was?”

“Because emotions are a bitch,” you said bluntly, causing her to give a light chuckle. That, in turn, prompted your lips to widen into a small smile. It felt good to see her laugh again, even for just a bit. “None of this was your fault, honey. This is all on him. And he will never, ever, get his hands on you again. I promise you that. I will find us a safe place far away from him. And if he does manage to find us, I will tear him apart, limb by limb. By the time I’m through with him, he will wish he never left his cage.”

Your words made her feel better. Not a lot, but enough to calm her down a bit. It wasn’t much, but it was progress. Considering what she’d gone through, it was more than what you could have hoped for.

“Thank ye, darlin’,” she said, tears once again welling up in her reddened eyes; this time, however, it was tears of joy rather than distress. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without ye.”

“You would’ve done the same for me,” you said, laying a kiss to her cheek.

“You could go to the bunker,” Castiel suddenly said, prompting both you and Rowena to look at him. “It’s warded. Lucifer can’t get in.”

“I’m sure the Winchesters are just dyin’ to help me,” Rowena said sarcastically.

“They would if you explained the situation,” Castiel told her.

“So they can pity me?” Rowena scoffed. “No.”

“It’s not a bad idea, actually,” you said.

She shot you a glare. “Y/N–”

“We don’t have to tell them everything. We can just say he tried to kill you.”

“The answer is still no,” Rowena insisted.

You understood her desire to protect her dignity, but there were times when pride needed to be sacrificed for the sake of safety. “Rowena, please, just think about it. The bunker’s about as safe as we can get.”

“Do ye know what ye’re askin’ of me?” she said. “Ye want me to beg those two Neanderthals for help and get them to pity me.”

“I’m not saying it’s ideal.”

“No!” she said defiantly. “I refuse.”

“Rowena.”

You brought your other hand to her cheek, gently cupping them both.

“Sweetheart, listen to me. We don’t have that many options. We don’t have _any_ options, actually. The bunker’s all we’ve got. I can’t even imagine how difficult this is for you, but some sacrifices have to be made. You don’t have to tell them what happened. I could never ask that of you. You can just say he’s after you and that you’re scared for your life. Nothing else.”

You lowered one hand to take hold of hers, squeezing it in comfort.

“I will be there the entire time. You won’t be alone. And if you want, I’ll negotiate for you. Hell, I’ll beg them on my knees if I have to. I will do anything – anything – to get them to let us stay. You don’t have to say a word – just be there. I’ll do all the talking. All I’m asking is your permission.”

“Ye don’t have to humiliate yerself for me,” she told you, squeezing your hand. “I’m not worth it.”

“You’re worth everything.” You leaned forward, pressing your forehead to hers. “What do you say?”

“I don’t want pity,” Rowena said.

“I know, baby.”

She sniffled. “What if they say no?”

“Then we’ll go elsewhere. I promised you I’d find us a place and I will. But, if you’re up for it, I’d like to try with Sam and Dean first. The bunker–”

“Is the safest,” she finished. “I know.” She took a deep breath. “Alright,” she relented after a moment of thought. “We’ll ask the Winchesters. But I’ll do the talkin’.”

Relief flooded your veins at her approval. “Are you sure?”

“Aye. I’m the one who needs their help. It’s only fair that I ask them.”

“Okay,” you said. You respected her wish to do it herself.

“But I won’t beg them. If they say no, we’re leavin’, just like ye said.”

You nodded. “Works for me.”

“Good.” She looked up at Castiel. “I’m assumin’ ye’ll drive us there?”

“Yes,” he said. “We should go before Lucifer comes back.”

“I sent him to the bottom of the ocean. It’ll take a while,” Rowena said.

“You really did that?” you said in awe.

She nodded, a proud look spreading across her face. “Sped up his vessel’s decayin’ process, too.”

“That’s my girl!” you beamed. If Rowena was good at one thing, it was making you proud. Things like that were a reminder of why you’d asked her, out of all the witches in the world, to be your mentor. Others were satisfied with parlor tricks. Rowena, on the other hand, went for grandiosity. It was either all or nothing with her, and when it came to magic, she strived for all.

Castiel seemed impressed, as well. “My car is outside.”

“Can you walk?” you asked Rowena, who nodded in response.

After getting to your feet, you pulled her up to hers. Save for a few pained hisses, she appeared to have been alright. Despite the pain she was in, she could walk just fine; the high heels she was wearing hadn’t appeared to bother her one bit.

Still, more for your peace of mind than hers, you linked your hand with hers as you walked to Castiel’s car. She was quick to take notice of your clinginess, but she didn’t utter a word of protest. She may not have been a feelings person, but she understood your desire to protect her. After everything that had happened today, she welcomed being taken care of.

Her head was leaned on your shoulder for the entirety of the drive. You held an arm around her as she napped, letting her know that she was safe. By the way she moaned, you knew her short dreams were plagued by nightmares; every time she’d let out a sound, you’d tighten your grip on her, instantly calming her down.

Your heart broke for your girl. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve to be abandoned by her son. She didn’t deserve to be kidnapped and violated by that monster. She didn’t deserve to suffer the way she had.

If you could take the pain in her place, you would do it without a second thought.

The following days would be difficult. You’d already begun the mental preparations. Rowena was going to need all the help she could get and you decided to do your best to make her recovery as swift and comfortable as possible.

When Castiel stopped the car, you gently shook her awake. As you walked towards the bunker, you threw an arm around her shoulders.

“You okay?” you whispered.

“Aye,” she said.

Nodding, you leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead. A little token of affection before the conversation that would most certainly make her relive the horrible moments she’d endured just mere hours earlier. Even if she told the Winchesters the bare minimum, the bad memories were bound to come back to haunt her. It was a human trait not even Rowena, with her centuries of life, could escape.

Dean was quick to answer the door after Castiel knocked, with Sam trailing close behind. “Cas,” he said, frowning when his eyes settled on you. “What are you doing here?”

“Hi, Dean, Sam,” you said with a nod, pulling on a friendly smile. You were about to ask them for a huge favor. The least you could do was show them kindness.

“Hi,” Sam said, nodding back.

The elder Winchester eyed Rowena up and down. “What the hell happened to you?”

As soon as the words left his mouth, instinct prompted you to pull her closer and tighten your hold on her. The brothers took notice of your strange behavior, confusion spilling over their faces. While it was no secret to them that you tended to be rather protective of Rowena, you were never this tense, and Rowena never, ever, looked to be on the verge of tears in their company. An ice queen like her would never allow herself to feel in public, in front of people she could barely stand.

“We need your help,” you said.

Rowena shot you a glare, reminding you that she was the one that was supposed to do the talking. You couldn’t help it that you wanted to spare her the pain of reliving the worst moment of her life. You weren’t opposed to her asking for help – your only concern was her mental state, for considering everything she’d been through, even the most meaningless of words could have an undesirable effect on her.

“Can we come in?” Rowena said in a tone of voice that was supposed to be tough, but ended up revealing all the emotions she’d been trying her hardest to hold back. It was the tone of someone who’d wanted to hide their pain, yet the harder they tried, the more they failed. Rowena may have been a master manipulator, but she could never fake emotions. She was obvious back when she’d tried it with Crowley, and she was obvious now.

“Sure,” Dean said, noticing her distress, though his own tone told you he was anything but sure. He opened the door wide, allowing you all to enter before closing it behind you.

You and Rowena got seated on the couch. Sam and Dean sat opposite you, while Castiel leaned against a wall, crossing his arms over his chest and turning his head to avoid the heart-wrenching conversation that was to come.

“So,” Sam said, looking back and forth between you and Rowena, “what’s up?”

“Lucifer.” Rowena spat his name as if it was made out of poison.

“What about him?” Dean asked.

“He…” Rowena gulped before taking a deep breath. Whatever she was going to say was going to be hard on her psyche. “He attacked me.”

Dean narrowed his eyes at her. “What do you mean, he attacked you?”

She shot him a pleading glance. _Please, don’t make me say it,_ it said. You took her hand in yours for comfort, moving an inch closer to her. She needed all the support she could get and you would rather die than let her think she was alone in this. For as long as you were around, she would never be alone.

“What happened?” Sam asked, voice laced with compassion. He could sense that something was very, very wrong, and he’d decided to tread lightly. If anyone knew a thing or two about Lucifer, it was him. Having spent literal ages with him in Hell had taught him more than he’d ever wanted to know.

“Fergus and I tried to send him back to the cage, but we weren’t successful,” Rowena said. “Fergus left the moment things went south.”

She clenched her teeth in anger at the memory.

Taking a breath, she continued. “Lucifer took me prisoner.”

Tears filled her emerald eyes, threatening to fall once again. You squeezed her hand, giving her a small nod of encouragement. _You’re doing great, honey,_ your look told her.

“He did somethin’ to me,” she said through trembling lips. Tears spilled down her cheeks and she chocked back a sob.

Your heart broke at the sight of her. This wasn’t fair, you thought. Rowena wasn’t supposed to suffer. Not like this. Your girl deserved better.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” you told her gently.

“I do,” she said, looking you in the eyes.

“What did he do?” Dean asked, a trace of threat mixed with concern in his tone as he started to put the pieces together.

“He… he assaulted me.”

By the time she uttered the last word, she was shaking, overwhelmed by sobs. You hugged her to you, allowing her to bury her face in your chest and cry into your shirt.

“I got you, honey,” you whispered. “It’s okay. I got you.”

Dread replaced confusion on Sam and Dean’s faces. They looked at each other before their eyes settled back on you and Rowena. An uncomfortable, suffocating silence fell around you; save for Rowena’s sobs, the bunker had been deadly quiet.

“Can we stay with you until he’s taken care of?” you asked. “If not the both of us, just her, then? Please. This is the only place he can’t enter.”

The brothers looked at each other once again. You could tell they weren’t too happy with the idea of living with Rowena, but they knew this wasn’t about their comfort. She wasn’t a wicked witch anymore. Right now, she was a victim in need of refuge, no different than all the others they’d helped.

“Of course,” Sam said after a silent moment.

Dean nodded. “You’re welcome to stay. Both of you.”

You let out a deep sigh of relief, as if a huge burden had been lifted off your shoulders. “Thank you so much,” you said, almost tearing up, yourself. You would never forget the kindness they’d shown you.

Rowena raised her head, using her hand to wipe away her tears. “Thank ye.”

It was strange, for them, at least, to hear her utter those words. The Rowena they knew was a manipulative bitch. What she hated, she ruined. What she wanted, she took. She didn’t apologize, and she sure as hell did not say thank you.

Maybe now, you thought, the brothers would see that she wasn’t what she presented herself as to the world. There was more to her than the tough, loveless bitch. In truth, she could love. It hadn’t been easy to acquire her love, but once you had, she loved you with all her heart. She may not have expressed it in words, but she made up for it with actions. With her it was show rather than tell.

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean said, offering a small, friendly smile, though you could see, after everything he’d heard, smiling was the last thing he had on his mind. “We’ll get you a spare room. You’ll be safe here.”

“Is there anything else you need?” Sam asked.

“A shower would be nice,” Rowena said.

“Would you like me to go with you?” you asked her.

She shook her head. “I’d like to do it alone.”

“Of course.” You understood her need for privacy. If that had been you, you’d want to wash his filth off you on your own, too. “I can go get us some clothes while you’re in the shower.”

“No!” she exclaimed, tightening her grip on her hand to the point of pain. She took a breath to calm down. “Stay. _Please.”_

“Okay.” You caressed her cheek, giving her a small nod. “Whatever you say.”

“Can…” She swallowed. “Can ye be outside and watch the door? I–”

“You don’t have to explain,” you told her. “I’ll be there.”

“Thank ye.”

You pressed your forehead to hers. “Anything else you need, just tell me.”

“I’ll find you guys a change of clothes,” Sam said.

“We don’t need much. Just something to spend the night in. We’ll go pack our stuff tomorrow,” you said, looking at Rowena for confirmation. She gave a small nod.

“I’ll go prepare you a room,” Dean said.

“The shower’s there,” Sam said, motioning with his hand in the direction of the bathroom. “The clothes will be waiting for you in your room.”

“One room, right?” Dean asked, just to be sure.

You looked at Rowena. You hadn’t even considered that she might not be up to sharing a room with someone after what she’d been through. If you’d been in her shoes, you’d isolate yourself from the world and demand to be left alone.

“Aye,” she said, giving you a look that told you she needed you too much to spend the night alone. “Just one.”

True to your word, you stood outside while she showered, guarding the door like a security guard. There was no actual need for it; the Winchester brothers may not have liked Rowena very much, but you doubted they’d ever do anything of the disrespectful nature, especially after hearing about what Lucifer had done. But Rowena wasn’t in a good state of mind at the moment. What seemed irrational to you had made complete sense to her.

Trauma had a way crush even the strongest of people.

Her cries, while soft and muffled by the pouring water, reached your ears, making your own eyes well with tears. You took deep breaths, swallowing hard in attempts to hold them back. Rowena needed you. She needed you to give her hope that she’d get through this, to make her believe in a better future. You needed to be strong for her.

You could cry while you were on your own, but for now you needed to hold it together. This wasn’t about you – it was about her. Rowena was the one that had been violated. She was the one that had suffered the worst kind of trauma. You could feel for her on your own time, but as long as you were around her, you needed to be her rock, her refuge.

Rowena came first. Her wellbeing came first. Everything else could wait.

Once she was done, you led her to the room the brothers had prepared for you. A pair of old, worn out shirts had been waiting for you on the bed. Discarding her bath robe, Rowena put one on, scrunching her face in disgust at the fabric.

While she was changing, you took notice of the bruises adorning her body. Her chest and upper arms had been purple and red, as if someone struck and threw her around repeatedly. Their deep, dark color matched that of the bruises around her wrists. The insides of her thighs bore similar markings, a purple mixed with red that you quickly turned your head away from.

Looking at them only made you imagine the torment that had been inflicted on her, and you didn’t want those images in your head. It was bad enough that she would have to bear those marks until they healed. The sight of them painted a pretty clear picture of what had gone on in that cabin. Your imagination was only making it worse.

As soon as you were sure she was okay, you went to take a shower of your own. Rowena locked the door after you left; you’d suggested it after seeing the panicked look on her face when you told her you would be gone for half an hour. She’d begged you to stay, but you told her you needed to go. It had been an eventful day and you needed a refreshment. You promised you’d be back as soon as possible and told her to lock the door for safety. She was less than happy with the solution, but she gave in, understanding your reasoning. You’d wanted to be clean of today just as much as she had.

“You okay?” you asked when she let you in, throwing your bathrobe away to pull on a shirt. It had been way too big on you, falling to the middle of your thigh, looking more like a dress than a shirt.

“Aye,” Rowena replied, locking the door once more. The shirt she’d been wearing had, just like yours, been too big for her, almost reaching her knees. Had the circumstances not been so dire, you would have found it adorable.

“I’m sorry I had to leave.”

“It’s fine,” she told you.

You settled on the bed, lying on your sides so you could face each other. It felt good to just lie there in silence, looking into each other’s eyes seemingly without a care in the world.

“Y/N,” Rowena said softly, shifting her gaze away.

“Yes, honey?”

You gave her cheek a tender caress. She clasped her hand over yours, lowering it so your fingers could entwine.

“I’m sorry.”

You frowned. What was she sorry for? She hadn’t done anything that would warrant an apology. “What for?”

“I betrayed yer trust.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve been with another,” she said, tears sliding down her cheeks. “Ye trusted me and I… I cheated on ye.”

“No,” you said tightening your grip on her hand. How could she even think that? “No, you didn’t. Listen to me. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

She swallowed. “Ye’re not mad at me?”

“Never,” you said firmly. “What happened wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that,” she said, prompting you to breathe out in relief. At least there was that. “But I’ve still _been_ with him.”

“Because he _forced_ you.” A sob escaped her and you instantly felt bad. You shouldn’t have been that blunt. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“I know,” she breathed.

“I don’t think any less of you,” you said, leaning forward to press your forehead to hers. “You’re still my girl. No matter what happens, I will always love you. Okay?”

“Okay.” She nodded. “Thank ye, Y/N. I don’t know how I would go through this alone.”

“You’re _not_ alone,” you told her. “You have me. I’ll always be here.”

Her face fell. “The last person who told me that–”

“Is long gone,” you finished, remembering her stories about Crowley’s father. She hadn’t told you much. You knew that he was married, had lured her in with promises of leaving his wife for her, told her he loved her when she gave birth to their son, and had then left, never to be seen again. You hadn’t even known his name. “I’m not him. You know that.”

It hurt to be compared to the man who contributed to her descent to the dark side, but you understood her worries. If you’d gone through what she had, you would have trouble trusting people, too.

“I don’t know anythin’ anymore,” she said, letting out a sob. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” you said. Rowena rarely, if ever, apologized. It hurt to have to see her so vulnerable, on the verge of a breakdown. It wasn’t fair. She didn’t deserve that. “I understand. You have nothing to feel bad about.”

“God, all this is so confusin’,” she said irritably. “I don’t know what to think anymore.”

“It’s okay. Just take it easy.”

“I’m tryin’, but it’s too much,” she whimpered. “I can’t take it anymore. Please, make it go away!”

“Shh, it’s okay.” You carefully put your arm around her and, after waiting a few moments to make sure she was comfortable with that kind of touch, pulled her to you, enveloping her in a hug. “I’m here. I got you.”

“It hurts!” she wept.

“I know, baby” you whispered. “I’m sorry. I wish I could do something.”

She pulled back, red, tearful eyes gazing into yours. “Make me forget,” she pleaded, tone that of pure desperation. Before you could utter a response, she locked her lips with yours in a rough kiss. You tried to push her back, but she batted your hand away, pushing her tongue into your mouth. She grabbed a fistful of your hair, bringing you closer to deepen the kiss that sent your head spinning – only this time it wasn’t excitement that coursed through your veins.

Your heartbeat fastened as cold chills crept down your spine. It didn’t take long for you to lose your breath. You struggled against her hold, lungs burning, body shaking, but the harder you resisted, the rougher she kissed you.

Finally, having had enough, you swatted at her wrist, right over the bruises, and pushed her away. “Rowena, stop!” you exclaimed, breathing deeply, unevenly. Rowena always respected boundaries. What had gotten into her all of a sudden? “What’s wrong with you?”

She sobbed, cradling her injured wrist to her chest. “He’s ruined me for ye, hasn’t he? I disgust ye!”

“What are you talking about? That’s not true!”

“Why’d ye push me away, then?” She raised her head to face you, teary, red-trimmed eyes staring straight into yours. “Ye don’t want me anymore, do ye? I make ye sick. Ye can’t even look at me!”

“No, honey, that’s not it at all!” you told her, feeling guilty. You hadn’t meant to cause her pain. “You’re vulnerable right now. It would be like taking advantage of you, and I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not right!”

“But I’m offerin’ myself! I’m sayin’ yes!”

Your eyes filled with tears. “Are you really?”

“Yes!” she exclaimed. Then, softly, through trembling lips, she whispered: “I… I’m sayin’ yes…”

She broke into sobs, weeping like you’d never seen her do before. Pain clenched at your heard. If only there was a way for you to help her. If only there was a way to take all her pain away. You hated seeing her like that, so broken, like porcelain doll shattered into hundreds of pieces.

She deserved better.

She deserved the world.

You slowly crawled over to her, putting your arms around her and pulling her to you.

“I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“No, _I’m_ sorry, Y/N,” she said. “God, I don’t know what I’m doin’ anymore.”

“It’s alright. I’ll help you figure it out.” You laid a kiss to her scalp. “I love you, Rowena. Hold onto that, okay? I can’t do much, but I can love you. I just hope that’s enough.”

“It’s more than enough for me,” she whimpered. “Say it again, will ye? I need to hear it.”

“I love you,” you repeated. “I love you so much. Always have and always will. You’re my strong girl. If anyone can get through this, it’s you. I believe in you. You’re a survivor.”

You laid down, holding Rowena close, her head leaning against your chest. It took a while, but your words of encouragement helped her fall into slumber. Her dreams would, no doubt, be plagued by nightmares, but as long as you were with her, holding her, loving her, nothing could hurt her. At the end of the day, dreams were just that – dreams. She may have been alone there, but in reality she had you to protect her, and you’d sworn to do your best to make her reality as pleasant as it used to be.

The journey to recovery would be long and painful, but as long as you were together, you could get through anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Editors: [OswinTheStrange](http://archiveofourown.org/users/OswinTheStrange/) and [BewitchedSquirrel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BewitchedSquirrel/)  
> 


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